My Cloud

Tricky Lizard

2011-05-23T14:54:00.001-05:00

Arlo has decided he would like to read. He has played with phonics workbooks and can read the first few BOB books in set 1. But since we are doing self directed learning, I haven't pressed him. In the last month or so he has been writing "words" and asking me to sound them out, pointing out how a P can turn into an R, and quoting The Electric Company "Mom, if a word is too big to read you just break it into little pieces." (He also loves their song Silent E Is a Ninja)
So today we rocked and rolled. I really like the distar method of reading phonetically which is similar, but not at all identical to the Montessori way. Since I don't have a house full of Montessori language materials, and I don't plan on breaking the bank, the book How To Teach Your Child To Read in One Hundred Easy Lessons is simple, and my kids have all liked it. We mostly focus on the actual sounds, and don't do a lot of the extra stuff. Earlier this year we played sound games with homemade Montessori sound boxes.
Just watching Arlo and all the kids learn naturally this weekend was a huge revelation to me. How we are truly all learning, all the time. Kids want to do what their parents do. Cheyne and I, as well as the three olders are passionate about books. Discussing them, lending them to friends, begging for more time before lights out. The last time we were at Nightbird Arlo pretended to read several chapter books, copying his big brother, who he IDOLIZES.
All in all, I feel snug as a bug in a rug about family based learning. It fits our family like a Recycled Roots hat.

In the quiet morning

2011-05-16T11:37:00.001-05:00

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Choo Choo

2011-05-15T17:38:00.004-05:00

When he was very small, the youngest Houston, Mr. Arlo, would sit, at thirteen months, in the yard next to a bicycle just to spin the wheels. All things that roll captivated him, especially that bastian of boyhood:trains. This is the third time we have gone on a ride.
What is it with boys and wheels? And trains and bulldozers and bikes and rollerskates....

Aley's Much Belated Birthday

2011-05-15T17:02:00.003-05:00

Every year Aley's birthday, which is Jan 1, gets rained, snowed, or iced out. Exhausted from the holidays and the November (Ivy) and December ( Sol) birthdays, we make a bold attempt but it inevitably flops one way or another. So this year she had a later in the season birthday with her best friend Zoe. And it was a very good party.

Our Trip to the Gentry Safari

2011-05-15T14:16:00.003-05:00

Trip number two:)

Sunday

2011-05-15T12:15:00.002-05:00

Romans 11:29 "For God does not change His mind about whom He chooses and blesses"

You read it right. He will never think of you as any less than HIS. No matter how big the broken place is, no matter how much you have lost of yourself, no matter how unaccustomed your eyes are to the light of belonging - He believes in you.
He knows every last detail. He was there, peeking into the locked door of my heart, when I had the abortion. Trying to prepare for my broken heart, already pulling together the fabric of my future, so that even THIS pain, this LIE, this LOSS will not be wasted. While I closed my heart to Him, he patiently covered my heart with the graffiti of His love. He followed me close. He is ever present, like most parents, trying to help us come through our losses. Always arranging all for our good. Reaching out to knock on the slammed door. Always forgiving, always saying I Love You.
Not once changing His mind about our worth.
Always calling us chosen.
Free to be myself. A chosen and blessed daughter of the Kingdom.

I love this

2011-05-14T19:24:00.001-05:00

"For some of us, books are as important as almost anything else on earth. What a miracle it is that out of these small, flat, rigid squares of paper unfolds world after world after world, worlds that sing to you, comfort and quiet or excite you. Books help us understand who we are and how we are to behave. They show us what community and friendship mean; they show us how to live and die."

— Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

Back on the Cloud

2011-05-14T17:43:00.003-05:00

Well hello, world. Here I am at my original blog breathing new life...
It has been an interesting season. We are in our second year at Cheyne's home place, still fixing up the kiddos rooms, working on the garden, etc. Cheyne is now a featured local artist at the Heartwood Gallery in Fayetteville. (see their Facebook page here http://www.facebook.com/pages/Heartwood-Gallery/83578226556) You can find his wooden puzzles there or at Terra Tots in Fayetteville, AR. (their website is http://www.terra-tots.com/)
I am still working at Nightbird, writing in my spare time, singing with my old timey band Old Style, and struggling to accept God's Grace.
I have had a year of amazing and surprising friendships, of constant reminding of God's fidelity, of sweet, simple reminders of how I was meant to live.
It has been a season of rebirth, complete with pain and unkowing and that glittering, glimmering tiny light in the distance of faith.

Currently

2010-06-18T13:23:00.003-05:00

Currently into:
The song Good Intentions Paving Co. by Joanna Newsom
The bookS Role Models(John Waters) and The Unschooling Unmanual
board games with my kids
talking with my husband
Vintage Fellowship
my Arsagas homeys
following my passion

So, I am doing ok

2010-02-10T14:14:00.002-06:00

Update:
A lot of snow
Reading a lot of books
teaching at the Montessori School
Dreaming big
Dancing every day
Doing Financial Peace small group
Losing weight
Singing all the time
Planning a garden
Encouraging growth
Thinking deeply
Beginning again...and AGAIN...

The big dream

2009-11-29T19:18:00.002-06:00

So. We are going to farm. Starting small, replenishing our laying chickens, adding meat cickens, planting a large garden, and getting into the farmers' market scene.

Eventually raising animals to produce our (and others) meat and dairy needs as well as bees and honey production. This feels so right to us, it is a bit like waking up, a bit like shaking off the dust of sleep and yawning into the morning.

I think most of all I look forward to long hours spent with this land, the family land, the heritage we received and that will remain.

Cheyne will finish school, we will prioritize our budgeting goals and being sensible. But it is going to happen. Because we want to be of use. And we have good people.

"The miraculous is not extraordinary but the common mode of existence. It is our daily bread. Whoever really has considered the lilies of the field or the birds of the air and pondered the improbability of their existence in this warm world within the cold and empty stellar distances will hardly balk at the turning of water into wine - which was, after all, a very small miracle. We forget the greater and still continuing miracle by which water (with soil and sunlight) is tured into grapes."

-Wendell Berry

Thankful

2009-11-28T21:31:00.004-06:00

I am thankful.
For my children who are healthy and sweet voiced and salty with sweat,
who roll through the woods and use eyeshadow to paint their whole faces green.
For my husband, who calms my soul, who loves me, who is a father we all would be lucky to have.
For my extended family, particularly my mom and Aunt Wreatha, who open their hearts and homes to family, and sing gospel for hours afterward.
For Cheyne's family, who are warm, and good, and loving. Whom I love to be around.
For my friends, the many, many people I love and am loved by.
For my church family, the people who are the core of my reality. My people, who have stepped into community in a way that makes grace happen for all of us. My people.
Mostly I am thankful for Jesus, my constant encourager, who never gives up on me. He fills me in ways surprising and new, and I find myself going deeper into His mystery, longing for time with Him.
With Thanks.

Honestly

2009-11-05T19:42:00.002-06:00

So I was tagged by Jazz, my amazing friend, to write a list of ten honest things. Hmmm.

Here goes!

1] I am quite radical in a lot of my beliefs. I would love to live in a commune, if it could feasibly work. I like intentional comunities, green living, pacifist sort of living. The flip side of this is I can never be a cop, because I could never shoot anyone. And I would be a badass detective. I am extremely paradoxical, and I have figured out most people are the same way.

2] I have a hard time with almost crippling insecurity in friendships. Luckily, I have an incredible group of ladies who have inspired this trait into obscurity, and I am shining as much light on it as possible, which really transforms the whole thing.

3] I am unequivocally positive-life. Because I am pro woman. I had an abortion, and there was nothing empowering about it. however, I oppose standing outside of clinics. I support the radical noton of true sisterhood, of offering real tangible support for women, and removing judgement when dealing with this issue. focusing on being proactive instead of reactive has helped me immensely. Ghandi, Emma Goldman, and Alice Paul all spoke against abortion.

4] I hate the telephone. Or at least I did until I got this sweet little thing called an iphone. I loooove texting, which I just began doing this year. I like facebook, I like quick effective communication. If I feel sentimental, I send a letter or a rad postcard.

5] I stay up at night worrying I have not lived up to my full potential.

6] I struggle alot with faith. Fear likes the driver seat in my brain. I tend to park the car while they duke it out. Not a very productive approach.

7] I love the Carpenters. Not in an ironic way, but in a sing at the top of my lungs way.

8] I am a little addicted to books. Like it may become a problem somedy. Like I read a whole book at least every other day. i spend my lunch hour devouring books on children, mysteries, for my book club, theological books, books about Coco Chanel (!!). I love them. Books are pivotal to who I am, third only to music, which is second only to God.

9] I am an autodidact. I am wired differently. I have yet to come to terms with this.

10] I like life a lot better sober, but I struggle daily with life on life's terms.

I wish I could tag more folks, but alas my blog reading has been woefully negligent lately. I need to download a blogroller app!

Falling in to autumn

2009-09-29T13:54:00.002-05:00

So Autumn has arrived, and with it that wonderful crisp feeling. I feel newer at autumn than at spring. Must be something about composting, worms turning soil, hibernation, and flying south for the winter. I am a fan of apples, pumpkins, Halloween, snuggly mornings, and falling leaves.
It has been a difficult and transitional year. I feel ready to buckle down and focus. It is now my favorite time of year!
One new thing we have implemented at our house is family drawing time. After supper we clear the table and spend a half hour to an hour art-ing together. I also am focusing on simplifying our lives, getting rid of, and re establishing.
I feel warm and cold, that autumn sensation, ready for harvest moons and trick or treat!

Elevation

2009-09-09T22:41:00.003-05:00

I have had ths cough-cold-nastiness for weeks now. It has reached it's zenith and since I am staying home sick from work, I thought I would blog.
I feel unsure. About many things. Except God, although I do a pretty decent job of keeping him at arm's length.
I am going through the motions on many levels and in so many areas and it is starting to get exhausting. I want something inspiring. I want something soaring to take hold.
Of course, fear is holding me back, at least in equal amount as circumstance.
But circumstance is there.
I just know I want more than a circumstantial existence. I want something more.
I am losing sleep over this.
I am praying hard about this.
I still feel quite alone in this.
So I will find the perfect song....

truly....

2009-06-24T22:14:00.002-05:00

In the end, the only thing there is can only be the truth.
Beautiful, terrifying, purifying, hard to swallow, the cure for it all, paradoxical, undeniable, glistening, sweet, truth.
And if you can just accept that, and detach your head from the thousands of denials and excuses and regrets and just live in the truth of this moment......
I promise you will sleep better tonight.
Truth is in everything; the sunrise is truth, but only this day's truth.
Get it while you can.
"Speak the truth and fear no man."
Yeah.

Sharpness and relief

2009-06-15T19:53:00.002-05:00

I woke up Sunday feeling prickly and tired. I wanted to stay under the covers, but against all odds, i made it out of bed and to church, where I continued in a disoriented fog. It is as if the world becomes too crisp and sharply focused, and I feel disoriented and unable to make sense enouch to speak.
Inevitably I go ahead and push myself into a social setting at these times.
I feel an inner pressure building, but I cannot stop the guilt train if I take a day off....
...until now.
Although the service was lovely, I couldn't keep my focus, I was tired and antsy and wanted to rest and recoup. This emotional overload almost always precipitates some sort of spiritual breakthrough for me, and I am very private and feel so exposed when these are going on. I want to cocoon, to daydream, to journal, to make a plan.
And guilt or not, nobody needs an agitated Candice. My normal demeanor is what some could call animated, so add all this weird crackling angst, and it is a weird experience.
So I am gonna get back to loving myself and making sure I am paying attention to my own signals. I can become consumed worrying about everyone else's.
Which brings me back to trusting God. And trusting that the gifts He has given me are purposeful, and needed and worth developing.
hmmmm.

Update of the general sort....

2009-06-03T19:44:00.003-05:00

Well, life is pretty interesting. We are settling into the new house, which is nice, nostalgic, and hard. It is Sheryl's house, and I feel her with us so often. Instead of every day, it is only once or twice a week now, always on the same spot on the drive home from work, that I spontaneously miss her, and want to talk to her, to see her, so badly. So, it is slow, but I think I am recovering. In a way.
Work is interesting, the kids are funny and a lot of work. One of our girls pretends to be a dog when she is nervous. It is awfully hilarious and cute. Today she chased a bird off the play ground. Barking, of course. On a sadder note, my co-worker and team techer, Ms. Bobbie, underwent emergency abdominal surgery on Monday, so please keep her in your prayers! She is so sweet, and the kids and I miss her a lot!
Yesterday, Ivy put her gerbil in her ball without permission, and the ball bumped the bookshelf, and the gerbil broke free. We pondered, looked, cried, shared, and talked about consequences, and why it is important to obey your parents. And wouldn't you know it, 24 hours later there has been a Marlie sighting and a full on rescue operation is underway!Aley's eagle eye spotted her in the play room, and Cheyne has successfully returned her to her cage. A miracle!
The kids had their final dance recital, so cute and amazing. They did so well! We chill out during the summer, but they are looking forward to going back in to dance in the fall.
We have planted corn, tomatoes, cukes, squash, and peppers. I am looking forward to summer salads, the best kind!
My main social outings are still around my lovely core, Vintage Fellowship. It is great to have family, to cry when they get married( happy tears, of course) and dance your feet off at their reception. To open up, for me, is a revelation every time. I love my friends. So much.
So that is where we are at.
generally speaking....

Growth

2009-06-01T22:14:00.003-05:00

The thing I didn't realize about growth is that you outgrow things, people, lifestyles, ways of being, thinking, and knowing. In some cases this is a really good thing for me, like outgrowing being a stoner, and blaming my parents, and being immature in general. But sometimes it is hard, when you outgrow a friendship, or a belief system, When you realize you could have shed that skin long ago, but you would be forcing someone else to shed something too.
It's even harder, when it isn;t personal, just that you have changed. You need new soil and roots, and the things that once sustained you don't quite work. And you are pretty sure your stagnation isn't helping anyone.
I have tried really hard to not outgrow anyone.
I have strained my neck so I could look backwards and have a conversation, even though it pulled all the other muscles, and kept my eyes in the wrng direction.
I am stretching around the other way.
I am doing a spiritual chiropractic adjustment.
I am beginning to understand myself.
I have really given a lot of love, but I will never be an unending fountain.
I am way broken and human and this transplanting is just beginning. It is transformation.
If I were a Butterfly, I would still be in the chrysalis stage. But I read once you have to be done with being a caterpillar to be a butterfly. Not that there is anything wrong with being in the caterpillar stage. We are where we are unil we are done being there.
And I am.
I do not have all the answers, but I had to find some different ways to be. I am changing, growing. I get my fair share of water, light, and life now. Not so quick to say it's OK to have none.

If you want me, look in the garden, you'll see my face turned toward the sun.

Thoughts on May 3.

2009-05-03T12:31:00.004-05:00

I think it is worthy to strive for goodness, to ache for harmony, to bend to compassion, to weep and act and march for justice. Even worthier, though, to remove the tiny splinters from your own eye. To try to live kindly, justly, and beautifully, however imperfectly, in your own tiny life, in your own tiny sphere of influence. Sift, sift, sift. Some of it is treasure, some of it is too old to keep. Accept, release, respond, create.
I like living in response to what I perceive is the Great Love. For me that was Jesus. I want to be an Ordinary Radical, and on my better days I am. I find it all shifting, and I am dawning on the realization that faith is a life's work kind of thing. it will see you through, but just like love, you have to choose it every day. Not just in God, although that is the biggie, huh? But faith in the connections we have formed with one another, in marriage, in children, in a hope, a happiness. Faith that love will prevail for the people who are suffering, that acts of justice on their part will lead to freedom, even if not in my lifetime.
But these tiny choices, this daily removal of splinters from one's own eyes, but not just stopping there, applying salve, self-forgiveness, loving kindness, time, and healing. Turning it over to the Great Healer. Finding relief in the fact that you only have to be in this moment, right here, He can carry the rest. And GIVE you rest.
Deciding to live more simply.
To leap back into work.
To make a decision.
To believe in yourself.
To believe in God.
To get the tweezers......and not feel worse afterward. To drop the healing ointment in, even if you are mad or scared or despondent with yourself.
Faith in God, in love, in folks, in family, in community, in conflict resolution.
Yeah.

Trust

2009-05-02T19:02:00.002-05:00

Trust has been on my mind a lot today. How do we open up our hearts, day after day, keep on believing, hoping, dreaming? We let others in, we scooch out the back door while they enjoy our wallpaper. We cover the mirrors with beautiful fabrics, not even trusting ourselves to love us. Goethe said, "As soon as you trust yourself, you will learn to live." I think I know this.....but knowledge and action are light years apart.
and then there is the BIG trust. The God trust. I know for some folks it is better phrased the LIFE trust, or UNIVERSE trust. But still. I have been dealing with the trust/faith thing a lot in the last couple of months. some things I have been struggling through include

trusting that it WILL hurt less, and that memories do immortalize the golden wonder of a well lived life

believing that even when the worst, most ill-informed, vilest opinion of you is spoken, is uttered, unable to be removed, or erased; that there is hope for healing, that relying on your own ability to forgive, to sift the kernels, however sharp and tiny, of truth from the ashes, and to believe love and a desire to be better will win in the end.

that God is there, can see through your masks.

trusting in loving kindness, in open heartedness, in leaping and believing a net will be provided, in sitting in the living room of your soul with somebody, even if all you can do is look at each other awkwardly.

Trusting that your meager words of comfort will be a t least a single drop of salve to a friend whose heart is shredded.

I have been known to be pessimistic, wry, and cynical. For years of my life I wrapped myself in a blanket of gloom. I have been relieved to let it go, one pulled thread at a time. God is so relentless. And trustworthy. And there are these people. They just love me.
And they know.
You know what I mean.
The dirty rotten awful parts of myself.
And they see beyond. And beneath. They offer to help me with my baggage if they have already checked theirs.
And I reciprocate.
I can dream again. Community. Friendship. Depth. No fear lurking around the corner, no devil trying to drive. Only true camaraderie. And by true I mean real, not contrived, false, or surface.

Trust.
What else is there to do?
Really, what else?
It is part of the work of being truly alive.

In Memory of Sheryl

2009-04-15T08:39:00.003-05:00

On March 29, my wonderful mother in law lost her life to the cancer she has been battling for a year now, after only a year's remission from her first bout. She was the strongest, sanest, kindest, most light-bearing and generous person I have ever known. I remember always feeling so lucky to have such an amazing grandmother and role model for my kiddos. At her memorial service, two hundred and fifty people came to remember a life well lived. Almost all of them said what a positive and uplifting influence she had on their lives.
I miss her. She taught me a lot, and it feels unreal that there can be a world where such a powerful and beautiful person is gone. Every moment of Sheryl's life, to the best of her ability, was used for goodness, to further the cause, to be a better person and encourage others. I miss her more each day. Instead of the pain lessening, it gets deeper. She left a huge impact on my life, and SO many others. There is nothing left but to try to keep on with this same spirit of love and acceptance. Even of myself. Sheryl always made me want to be more and do more-in a practical way. She was a nurturer of people, a gardener of the spirit, as well as her amazing flowers and vegetables.
I wanted to post a couple of things that remind me of her.
The first is a poem by Marge Piercy, which Cheyne and I first read in one of Sheryl's old literature books. She had written in the margins, and we loved to read the poems and her beautifully scripted commentary. We became Marge Piercy fans, and when she got sick again, I printed off a copy of this poem to send her, and she told me it was her favorite poem. I read it at her memorial. Here it is.

To be of use
by Marge Piercy

The people I love the best
jump into work head first
without dallying in the shallows
and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.
They seem to become natives of that element,
the black sleek heads of seals
bouncing like half submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who stand in the line and haul in their places,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.

This hung on her wall, and I believe informed much of how she lived. I love this, and read it first at her house.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

In memory of Sheryl Houston, an unforgettable human being.

Authenticity

2009-03-09T10:39:00.002-05:00

So, of course Sunday was a great sermon. It made me think about what I expect from church, who I bring into our church, is it my TRUE self, or the old Sunday self? You know the shiny one who smiled and said hi and agreed and nodded when I was dying to know how to deal with doubts and questions without being ostracized.
Thankfully, by the time I found Vintage, I was in a desperate state of mind, and God was hot at my heels. I had tried many other spiritual paths, but I knew Jesus was my home. I also knew I could NOT show up and be anybody but who I actually was.
Turns out that was OK. I still had some layers to peel back, an addiction to give up, some ego to toss out the window, and a need to develop a deep sense of God's enduring love, grace, and forgiveness. Also, accountability. When I finally gave up the substance I was addicted to, I told all my best friends at church. I knew they would keep an eye on me, and let me know if they thought it was getting dangerous for me. I have to reveal my heart and let others take it out for a stroll. Not so easy, but I am doing better.
Three years in I am a youth leader, worship leader, and EXTREMELY active in my church aka my family. Once I was talking to my sister on my cellphone in my van, while Cheyne picked Sol up from a friend from Vintage's slumber party. Robb, one of my dearest friends, married to one of my dearest friends, who also happens to be my preacher, came along to get his son, too.
I told my sister, "Hey, let me call you back, Preacher Bobb is here and I wanna talk to him."
"Oh!" she said. "What's wrong?"
Taken aback, I said, "Uh, nothing, he's just kinda my friend?"
On the way home, I was talking to Cheyne about how preachers used to be so different to me. Almost not human. People who needed to not only have their own life figured out, but everyone else's too. Earning them, I am sure, the mixed awe and trepidation of their congregations.
Thank God for Bobb. And Vanessa. And all the Vintage folks.
What I tell the teenager's is struggle with your faith. Seek answers from people who seem outside the box if you need to. But wrestle with these doubts. Sink your teeth in, put on hiking boots, step out into the wild terrain.
That's how you get to God.
It's how I did.

A general Update

2009-03-05T13:53:00.002-06:00

So the weight loss thing is going rather smoothly, although I did eat a bit recklessly when I was sick. For more on the battle of the bulge, see my OTHER blog!
Cheyne's mom went in for emergency gallbladder surgery, and has been in the hospital for around a week. She maintains her fighting spirit and is slowly getting some energy back after struggling through not being able to eat most anything for the last three weeks. She is possibly going to be released today. Her tumor flags are down, which is great. So just thoughts and prayers, please.
The kids are awesome, the marriage is growing, the schedule is maybe a little bit hectic.
All in all, taking it in, spinning it into a life.
Stay tuned....

I want that song!

2009-02-28T10:45:00.003-06:00

So after the lovely New Cuts of Music show, when I was leaving Arsagas from my girl time with my Ash Wednesday Cross on forehead group of gals, the most AMAZING song came on KXUA. It was 10:36 pm. It was called Wendy, and it was a Neverland loving song...and I have searched and searched and can find no links.
You see, since around the age of five, the idea of Peter Pan and Neverland have been central to my formation. When I said my prayers I would blow a kiss and say,"and God, take that to Peter Pan." I read Peter Pan and Wendy, and the later Peter Pan, by J.M. Barrie. I watched plays and musicals. My children own a gorgeous Folio edition of Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens.
So, if you know a link for that sixties psychedelic hit......

The Big Change

2009-02-24T12:46:00.002-06:00

So, prompted by many recent events, I have decided to venture into losing weight. Because it is OUT OF CONTROL. So I am totally motivated and dedicated, both to losing the weight and maintaining a positive self image. I know that food has become kind of a replacement drug for me, and you know, eating is way easier than living my life...going out, hanging with people, making music, eating and vegging are so much easier.
But I want a life of purpose and adventure! I simply was made that way. So I have begun walking, and dancing, and plan to join Curves soon. (I went there before and LOVED it, easy breezy strength training!)
So folks, here I go.
Oh! I also joined Weight Watchers Online, but canceled my membership when I discovered my ne itouch has a free app that does basically the same thing. Because free is good!

Loving your self, or allowing yourself to be loved. (Candy Says by the Velvet Underground, performed by Antony and the Johnsons)

2009-02-17T10:42:00.002-06:00

My list of things I do not love about myself is long. Like most women there are body parts and bad attitudes and ways I just don't add up. I have a working list of things I want to sift, sort, and eliminate. Decrease, increase, and be better at. I think it gets really exhausting. I know it does. I have no list of things I actually love. Weird, huh? I have a preponderance of books on things to improve, categories to sort through, ways to be MORE, better, complete-somehow this completion is supposed to come from a skinnier self, a friendlier disposition, a kinder, gentler parenting approach, all of which are great, noble causes, but not completion. So, I decided to be totally radical, and give you a short list of things I like, that I really like about myself. Sadly, this is the first time I have even pondered this subject, well, ever.
No wait! I can remember having this awesome cabin counselor at Green Valley Bible Camp one summer, and we were around fifteen or sixteen, and she read to us from Psalms, and then she passed a mirror around and asked each of us to look in the mirror and say "You are a beautiful and blessed creation of God. You are beautiful. You are loved." And those of us who actually could say it, cried and could hardly bear to believe it. I remember then thinking, "Something is dying inside us. This is not God's plan. Something is being twisted and poisoned inside."
How sad. So anyhow, here is my list, and I wanna read yours. So be bold! Post it!

Candice's Finer Points (a few)
1) my heart. I am compassionate and kind, I love deeply.
injustice spurs action in me, and I can't just turn away.
2) my voice. I was blessed with a voice that loves music into being. I also have an encyclopedia of songs in my head, and I love when I am alone in the van to just sing to myself whatever song I am feeling in that moment.
3) my body. Yeah, it is not a supermodel's, but I am especially proud of the fact that it has carried four human beings, birthed them, and nurtured them. It is a mystery and a magical, amazing thing. I feel our bodies have a lot from God to say, childbearing or not. God saw us, and said I will make the ladies GOOD, real good.
4) my eyes. Not only are they brilliantly blue, they show a lot of love and are truly windows to my soul.

There. Just four. I feel uncomfortable, I guess I am going against my programming.
Well, I think that is kinda what God calls us to do!

Ocean (Orinoco Flow by Enya)

2009-02-05T19:45:00.005-06:00

I have always loved the ocean.
It is vast, even the idea of it is vast. It is mysterious and tranquil, holy and dangerous, all at the same time.
I have only seen it once, and when I did I wept. I was fully clothed, but could not stay on the shore. The waves were hypnotic.
My favorite fairy tales are the ones about mermaids, or seal maidens who are captured when a lonely hunter finds their skins, which they have shed only momentarily to bathe in the moonlight. I have heard that the black Irish (those with dark hair and blue eyes) come from these ancient seal people. If this interests you, see the movie The Secret of Roan Inish.
I love Jacques Cousteau and his excitement and wild abandon of devotion to being singularly who he was, and how tied in to the ocean that was.
I love the graceful and intelligent creatures that inhabit the depths. Odd, beautiful, dangerous, calm. They inhabit a world most of us can only dream of.
The ocean inspires fear, awe, love, and an almost unshakable longing in me.
Waves of these.
Waves.

Ridding My Heart of the Darkness (The Desperate Kingdom of Love by PJ Harvey)

2009-02-03T13:33:00.004-06:00

So, I struggle from having a scarred heart. I put on the brave face of a spirit filled cheerleader/rebel who jumps for joy and can sail these waves unfettered. But I struggle with such pain and ugliness in my heart sometimes. And it is so bitter, this darkness. It is like poison, because it deadens all my ability to feel the lightness of love in my life. It is as if I am wearing a veil.
Usually it is triggered by some long standing demon from my childhood, by wanting to be loved for who I am, and looking to human beings to give me what only God can. But the force of the gale can throw me. I need practice at letting God fill the holes, at not needing to fight back, to be heard. Because if love is not there, why do I need to be heard. So it can hurt more? I have been praying a lot about this, and I really need to get some light into the dark corners of my heart. Maybe a start would be admitting they are there. And maybe not beating myself up for not loving enough. I am just figuring out that nobody can love people who hurt them on their own. It is only through a good God that we overcome.
Yikes. It just feels like a mountain. It tastes like bile. I struggle against it when I should surrender and pray. I am so glad that God is all good. And patient. And gets me.
I want to love myself. I want to feel like I am enough, the way I am right now, flaws and all. I guess sometimes I do, just not as often as I would like.
Well, I need to get my flashlight out....

Thoughts of recent....

2009-01-29T20:49:00.002-06:00

At the hospital, where my Aunt was on life support, seeing Jasmine like an oasis, holding warm coffee, unable to speak. Her humor and sparkle brightening the room, even though it was like "two worlds colliding"(Ness). How grateful for someone from my Vintage family, ans especially that someone.
Then Sunday morning,coming to church immediately after the life support was turned off, my kids happy and well fed coming from the joy of Jasmine and Garret's for a sleepover. So grateful for friends like these. Cheyne saying to Garrett, "we really have never had friends like this, people we just trust immensely, with our kids." How lost and found I felt at the same time, at my church, my home away from home, making my postcard about God, feeling exhausted and full of God-love at the same time.
The viewing, where we all remembered Mary, crying, sitting with Wreatha, a crazy Chinese buffet with my sister and Mom, that involved the popping out f false teeth, and discussion of martyrdom.

Leaving the younger two with Vanessa while we went to the funeral. Talking to her, and just loving her so much. Rarely have I made such a fast, true friend as Vanessa Ryerse, and it has proven to be a wonderful friendship. Taking the older two to the funeral, walking them to the casket to say goodbye. Sol saying, "Mary looks so good I just keep expecting her to sit up and say, well hi, Sol." The very southern service. Saying the 23 Psalm at the burial. Going home.

Talking to Wreatha for an hour that night. Finally crying a little bit.

I feel circles completing, and the continuation of all this goodness, all this community. I see God working in my church, and in my family. Every sermon Robb preaches pulls me closer to Christ, draws me in.
God can be my home. It doesen't matter if I feel like I have never had one. God can be that.

I am grateful.

From the mouth of Arlo

2009-01-22T19:41:00.003-06:00

Arlo recently was tested, one of those preschool thingys where you stack blocks, count, draw lines and circles, etc......and say your name.
Miss Debbie: Can you tell me your name?
Arlo: Arlo
Miss Debbie: What about your other name?
Arlo: Big boy.

And so we continued. Miss Debbie told us most preschoolers score a 60, Arlo scored a 96.
He is so funny.
Last week at the park he raced back to hold my hand. I asked him if he liked holding hands. He replied, "I don't want that wind to blow you away."
Today I was so confused when he told me he wanted to take the haircut.
I finally figured out he meant shortcut.
And if he tells you he wants to watch Batman and California, he means Batman and Dracula.
And when you mention summer to him, his first thought is, "yeah, then it will be warm enough to take our clothes off all the time...."
He is a whirlwind all the time, smitten with his sisters in admiration of his brother, idolizing his Dad and developing a crush on our dental assistant friend who put the movie Cars on for him once. (Kanya, he loooves you!)
Ah, the days they go by with painted rainbows and walks in the park....

In Memory....

2009-01-21T11:22:00.005-06:00

My entire life, my Aunt Wreatha had her best friend Mary. When mama had twins, Mary helped give us our bottles. I remember I was around seven when Wreatha's trailer burned down, and she moved into Mary's little house. Wreatha and Mary WERE my childhood. Wreatha would stay up late and interpret your dreams, Mary would make popcorn while you watched TV, Wreatha would talk to you about anything, like you were a real person. Like a grown-up almost. They were a pair the rest of their days. I remember at my wedding to Cheyne they wore matching red polyester pants, white button down shirts, and black pullover v-neck sweaters with little red flowers. I, as always, was enchanted by them.
Mary had an aura of peace, though. She had a hard life, I think she only went to seventh grade in school, and for her fourteenth birthday she received her first set of false teeth. As long as I have known her she has suffered almost chronic pain. And yet....she had mastered the art of love and grace in a way that I must say rivaled the saints. It didn't matter who you were and what you had done, Mary could always love you, not only that, she could delight in your presence. Be you a nephew just out of prison, an alcoholic sister, a schizophrenic brother, the niece of Wreatha, the ex-wife of a family member, whoever you were, she just welcomed you. And offered you a cup of Mountain Dew, which she kept stocked in many two liters at a time. (She and Wreatha pretty much lived on Mountain Dew, but always had whole milk at meals. )
Mary babysat me when I was little, but we begged to spend the night with she and Wreatha. Just listening to Mary hum through the house while I read a book on the back bed would calm my soul. Sometimes she would get on to herself, "Now Mary, why did you do that?"
It is hard for me to tell you how loving this woman was. She would fuss over me if I got sick from school, and Mama couldn't get off work. Later she would take care of my Grandma Aley as she struggled with alzheimer's disease and her health deteriorated. Mary was her primary caregiver several days a week. She was truly selfless, but never a martyr. She enjoyed her life, lived simply, and loved enormously. She babysat my children, who, like I had before them, BEGGED to spend the night with Wreatha and Mary. She delighted in them, was overjoyed at their every new step or development. She was proud of them, and they claimed she and Wreatha as extra Grandmas.
I wish I could do her justice, or explain how many children she just loved and took joy in. She was the truest person I have ever known. She loved God, Wreatha, her family (which included all of Wreatha's family), and anyone she ever met. She had a heart so deep and full of treasure, it's gifts will continue for generations to come.
I will remember her every time I hear a windchime, see a daffodil, or drink a Mountain Dew.
She was my angel, and I miss her so much.

Somebody Wrote Me a Poem...(These Friends Of Mine by Rosie Thomas)

2009-01-15T13:37:00.004-06:00

So, the forward to this is that the author of this poem is kinda a genius. She cuts hair, cooks like a professional chef, is in college to help people, mommies a sweetie pie, and is one of my best friends. When I saw this poem she wrote for me, it just brought tears to my eyes, because Jasmine is like jazz music, she is unpredictable, sweet, and smooth. And sometimes riotous. She makes me laugh so hard sometimes I have to race to the bathroom.So here is my poem!
Here's to youCandice:

Where would you look for her if you even knew to look?
She is not magazine model, no heroine from a book.
She has eyes that dance, dancing in an off beat Bob Dylan way.
She is the last bit of orange on a summer sweltering day.

Where would you look to find her if somehow you knew.
She is the inhale after a long submersion.
She is the movie you love- the Indy version.
She is the oil that you'd rub behind your ears and on wrist.
She is the glimmer that lingers in the air after a holy kiss.

If you know to look. If you could even know where.
You'd find her in the most unusual places.
In a field. In a shop. In a book. Reading. Flowers in her hair.

I found her. Friend. I found her sister.
She is the hand I that hold.
She is the neck that I embrace.
She is to be found in my heart, the most unusual of place.

Verses I am hanging on to right now....

2009-01-13T12:48:00.003-06:00

Isaiah 43:2 (The Message)

Isaiah 43

When You're Between a Rock and a Hard Place

1-4 But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.

Isaiah 30:21 (The Message)

19-22Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you'll find it's grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he'll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he'll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: "This is the right road. Walk down this road." You'll scrap your expensive and fashionable god-images. You'll throw them in the trash as so much garbage, saying, "Good riddance!"

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.

Isaiah 58:10-11 (The Message)

A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places

9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.

Thoughts....(Blue Mountain River by Cara Dillon )

2009-01-13T11:25:00.005-06:00

So I am feeling, well, interesting. Someone I love very much has been enduring a long struggle with cancer. She is a saint, an angel, earthy and wise, loving and generous. To my children she is their Oma, to me my beloved mother in law, to my husband, his light bearing, wonder making Mama.
Sheryl has endured a lot in her life, but she has always maintained a positive and uplifting spirit. Even through cancer and chemotherapy, she has kept her spirits high and loving, and I am constantly in awe of her.
To have someone you love suffering from something this heinous, is really hard. You want to do the right thing, but you don't know what it is. Then there is the waiting, almost holding your breath, to see if this person will be spared, if the fight has been hard enough, on time enough.
In the midst of this she carries her self with so much grace. She smiles, ans her eyes sparkle, even if they look a little tired. She reads Arlo his Ghost Eye Tree book, gets Sol started on sewing, and loves up the girls.
She is, in short, maintaining her vibrancy, even in weakness.
I have learned so much from Sheryl, and know I have much more to learn. I have learned forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, humility, and a gracious spirit by being near her.
I can remember the first time I met her, her eyes were bright, sweet, and still discerning. She had her hair braided up on her head, and was in her UPS uniform. Her face was so wise and tender, that for a second I was speechless. The second time I met her she gave me a feather, saying she found it and thought of me.
At that time I was a very different person than the one I am now. I have deep regrets about not being my best self in the early years of my relationship with she and Cheyne. I think this is the worst, that the best has just begun and she has carried us all to it, like a heroic ocean of love and support, and now she is facing a dragon. The injustice of this carves deep cuts of sorrow into my heart.
Well, I say, let us be her army of love. Let us be her relievers of suffering, her fellow travelers. We will stand with her against this disease, that she has battled so long now, come what may.
She deserves nothing less.
And we love her.
I love her.

Pack Up Your Sorrows by Judy Collins

2009-01-12T10:16:00.002-06:00

This is a longer, more dulcimer heavy version of the song. Not the original, but nice.

Storms (Pack Up Your Sorrows performed by Johnny Cash and June Carter)

2009-01-11T19:39:00.002-06:00

I love this song.
It was written by Richard Farina, the husband of Joan Baez' sister Mimi in the sixties, who passed in a horrible motorcycle wreck well before his time. He was a visionary, and I was told by a young man, when looking for a used copy of Richard's novel, Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up From Here, that he was considered one of the early beats.
Just shows how cool Johnny Cash was, doing his song. Also, Joan Baez made his song Birmingham Sunday, a powerful ballad about violent racism in the south, a famous song.
I sat down to type, and Pack Up Your Sorrows was the song I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear the Richard and Mimi version, with Mimi's soft lilting harmonies and Richard fierce on the dulcimer. (I know, you never thought fierce and dulcimer would be used in the same sentence.) But I can never complain about listening to Papa and Mama Cash. Truly, I can not.
Anyhow this is the song that goes a long with my mood. One of the hard parts of recovery is all these feelings. I spent years pushing everything down and finding the fastest route out of all this unpleasantness. It kept me safe from plenty of pain, for sure, but it also kept me in a state of shallowness, hollow and haunted on the inside. I am not used to what most folks call "processing". Even this far in, every sadness stuffed can re-emerge fierce and life quaking as a tidal wave, and usually my first response is Oh, Lord, I wish I could hide. I want to find a rock to climb under or a blanket to pull over my head. It is also the best way on earth I have found to learn to cling to God. I have never felt God's love more surely and more completely.
That may sound crazy, but for me it was the best thing that ever happened to me that I got to the point where the only prayer I could pray was "help".
My preacher is doing an awesome series of sermons called God, Is That You?, where he visits some of the different representations of God in the scriptures. Today was Storm. And it was good. I do believe that I am overly reliant on myself to control things, like my ancestors in the Garden, I wanna believe I can bite that fruit, and then I will be just like God. I will rely on my own self until I am near collapse, and something always comes along, a storm big or little, and I remember I am not the Captain of this ship. I am a lucky passenger floating along on a sea of free will.
The scripture we read from was Psalm 29. I love the Message translation:

Psalm 29

A David Psalm

1-2 Bravo, God, bravo! Gods and all angels shout, "Encore!"
In awe before the glory,
in awe before God's visible power.
Stand at attention!
Dress your best to honor him!

3 God thunders across the waters,
Brilliant, his voice and his face, streaming brightness—
God, across the flood waters.

4 God's thunder tympanic,
God's thunder symphonic.

5 God's thunder smashes cedars,
God topples the northern cedars.

6 The mountain ranges skip like spring colts,
The high ridges jump like wild kid goats.

7-8 God's thunder spits fire.
God thunders, the wilderness quakes;
He makes the desert of Kadesh shake.

9 God's thunder sets the oak trees dancing
A wild dance, whirling; the pelting rain strips their branches.
We fall to our knees—we call out, "Glory!"

10 Above the floodwaters is God's throne
from which his power flows,
from which he rules the world.

11 God makes his people strong.
God gives his people peace.

I loved this. I need reassurance daily that I am not supposed to rely solely on myself. That I need to seek God, be open and honest, rely on Him, leave my burdens with Him.
He is so big. And Good. And Loving.
And I can trust Him, and open my heart and soul to Him.
And seek some relief from the flood of feelings. Because above the floodwaters is God's throne.
Hallelujah.

Philosopher by Mi & L'au

2009-01-08T20:38:00.002-06:00

Aren't we all philosophers. Almost every one I know is unearthing themselves daily, and their dreams, faith, lifestyle, station in life, circumstance. Aligning themselves with groups and movements whether intentionally or not.
In my beloved last read, there was a lot of philosophy. Of the wonderful, heady, deep sea diving sort. The book pierced through to a part of myself I have shadowed away, and it left me wondering....
Who are we really?
I realized I wear so many masks, and they are transparent and definitely pieced together from some truths and old fragmented memories. But I have never just been, you know? I am not pretentious. Just cowardly. Afraid that if I reach, I, like so many others unlikely before me, will be punished, destroyed, set on fire, just for being who we are.
My truest self, the deepest me, comes out only in moments she can struggle throug the bars of my everyday persona. She is not some superhero, or alter ego, or completely different identity. She simply is me. My truest essence. Which looks very different than the person who sits in the circle.
Hmmmm.
She always shows up when I sing. At least lately.
And when I talk about art. And Christ. And read out loud to the kiddos. And listen to jazz.

She teaches me things, and I must learn that there is little to be afraid of if I let my self be whole.
More on this in the future, I assume....

Resonate (Sea Lion Woman by Feist) also check out the Nina Simone version!

2009-01-07T21:50:00.003-06:00

So this post is a quote from the new book I am reading by Muriel Barbery, The Elegance of the Hedgehog. It is numinous. Deep and heady, satisfying and philosophical. I relate to the two main characters in a way that grips me and effects my dreams. The quote comes from Paloma, a twelve year old who has decided to kill her self other than grow up in the "fishbowl", as she describes it.
But this is no tragedy, it is pure poetry and grace and astonishment, this book. It is ripening and blossoming.
This quote describes a feeling I have lived with all of my life, and resonates with me on a soul level.
"And I am probably the biggest victim of all this contradiction because, for some unknown reason, I am hypersensitive to anything that is dissonant, as if I had some absolute pitch for false notes or contradictions. This contradiction and all the others....As a result, I don't feel I belong to any belief system, to any of these incoherent family cultures."
The articulation of this deep angst, this observation that has instilled panic and pondering in me for years, to have it written there, and to absolutely see myself in both of these extraordinary characters.....this book is divine!
And the song, well, it's a bit about me as well...

Resolutions (Morning Has Broken by Nana Mouskori)

2009-01-05T11:09:00.001-06:00

New Year Resolve
1) Spend more time in prayer, just revealing myself to my Creator, praising God, and allowing God to reveal Truth to me.
2) Eat much more of my beloved fresh fruits and vegetables, no matter if it is more costly. Particularly figs, mango, pears, asparagus, and winter squashes....and try many new fruits!
3) Read at least a book a week, all the way through, of fiction. Starting this week with finishing The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery.
4) Invest in my deep friendships with women, particularly Vanessa, Hannah, Jazz, Erin,Kathy, Elly, Kanya, Karen, and Wendy. But there are many more.
5) Dance at least 30 minutes a day.
6) Love my husband more deeply and meditatively. Catch on to his struggles a little more quickly.
7) Play at least one board game a week with the kiddos.
8) Begin reading out loud to the kiddos again, every night I am home.
9) Write first three chapters of book
10) Actually get together with Trev and work out some music to play.
So what are yours???
Addendum:
I should mention that overhauling my house is my work for the New year, therefore not a resolution!

Compost (I Want Love by Elton John)

2009-01-04T17:25:00.001-06:00

I love this song.
Mostly because my wonderful friend Mark and I belted it out about ten times one night in his car until we were almost sobbing, but also because it touches something deep in the core of each us -our brokenness. So many people, including myself, walk around feeling like we have recovered from lots. Maybe we still feel "shot full of holes", but at least in my case, I have grown to accept my holes and that I grow my pretty flowers in a compost pile of life, God, luck, sorrow, and magic. And most of them pop up spontaneously, because I buy way more seeds than I could ever plant and.....you get the picture. They do not come from the silk flower arrangement section at Hobby Lobby.
But accepting love. Sheesh!
That is a toughie!
How can I deserve love? And GOD's LOVE??
Forget about it!
It is a great thing we don't have to deserve it.
It is an excellent thing that grace exists. That the Holy Spirit plants these seeds in the compost pile of our lies, and we see what springs up.
Yep, that can be one smelly pile.
But I have seen mounds of compost, covered with tiny white honeysuckle that perfume the air around the whole yard. And that mound used to smell Really Bad.
I am learning to wait to see what the seeds may be. Sometimes I am surprised. Others I remember which seed that was and how I threw it over my shoulder into the pile with a wish.
Often. the flowers that may grow, can do so only for a season.
Luckily I have been blessed with many that keep me company year round, and bear much fruit.

What's in your compost pile? Look for flowers.

The Pup

2009-01-04T17:18:00.000-06:00

Our little doggy Lady is almost completely back to normal. Thank you for your prayers. It is truly a miracle! God is good!

Puppy update

2009-01-03T21:10:00.000-06:00

The puppy has improved dramatically. With homeopathic treatment she has begun walking around, wagging her tail, and eating solid food. It is a huge turnaround, and we are grateful for prayers made on her Ladyship's behalf.
We feel SO grateful.
Keep praying for her. She was supposed to have nil chance for survival, and she is walking, wagging her tail, and eating solids again.
Please keep praying!

It's A Journey....(Mad world by Gary Jules)

2009-01-03T16:06:00.000-06:00

Beyond all reason, I am pulling my sweater tighter tucking my chin down, heading straight in through the wind. It is foggy and insane, but I think I see a light. Faint. Forward. Somewhere. It glows and I want to get closer.
It looks warm.

For this new year I will pray for strength. And peace, and love for myself and others. I will write a song and be healthy. I will eat way more cantaloupe and sushi. I will not avoid the fierceness of this world, but wrap myself tighter and press on.
To my destination.
The place this all led up to.
Which might be right here. Who knows?
I will, when I get there.

Sad

2009-01-02T10:22:00.000-06:00

The puppy is sick. Probably going to die. There is nothing the vet can do. the puppy who was supposed to be Ivy's, but turned into mine, my little baby. The pup who chased me down the hallway jumping on the back of my legs, who loved me best of all. Who pressed her face into my neck when she was very new to us and only came to me.
I am miserably sad, and fighting those emotions.
I know it will get better.
I just wish it different.
So much so that I ache.
Prayers would be nice.

Ways I am feeling....(Regina Specter Musicbox)

2008-12-31T13:23:00.001-06:00

Troubled, trusting, dreamy, present, visionary, homeless, carefree, terrified, tragically hopeful, blissed out, anxious, loved, pleasant, childlike, dancer-y, full of light, deep as dark, loving, confused, content, aggravated, comical, trusting, angelically watched over, thought of, continued, sad, happy, delighted, intense.
In, short, perfectly imperfectly paradoxically human.
What fun! What sorrow!
I just don't want to miss it!

Music (Kitty Wells!)

2008-12-28T22:05:00.001-06:00

I was raised to idolize the great men and women of country music. My mother, a self taught guitarist and country singer, who at one time sang with Ernest Tubbs, would sing Hank(Sr.), Willie, Johnny, Waylon, and George to me all the time. She and my Aunt Wreatha would sing the George Jones/Tammy Wynette duet Golden Ring with such feeling you would almost cry.We also listened to Dolly Parton, and I remember my twin sister belting out Tanya Tucker's Delta Dawn when we were little wisps of girls! From the time I could talk I could sing. From the time I could walk I would sing at nursing homes and gospel at my grandparents house. We went to the Church of Christ throughout my growing up years, so I heard many harmonies and descantes and my life was filled with all this music.
At around the age six or seven, we came home from school, and mama wanted us to sing this song, "We were strolling along, on moonlight bay," . I had been quietly practicing something in my head, and really wanted to give it a go, so I announced I was going to sing "alto", when really it was a part I heard in my head. My mother stopped playing when I jumped in singing perfect harmony with her. She was shocked. The next wednesday night at church, she had me sing in front of a piano teacher who went to my church. I felt embarrassed and a little afraid. It was usually good to fly under mama's radar and here I was beeping like a UFO! Mama called it tenor, what I sang, which I would later learn was mountain speak for harmony.
Music is my greatest joy. I sing to myself in the car with the radio turned off. I memorize songs like nobody's business, so I always have a way to express myself when I am hurting. Or joyful. Or nuts! I sing while I clean house, and sometimes just curled up in a chair. I like to hear other people sing. I prefer stripped down and heartfelt to overly polished and produced. I like true emotion and not the manufactured sort. I love to hear the local bluegrass shows that happen at the community building here in Brentwood, because the heart of what is going on for these mostly self taught musicians is so real you can feel it beating!
I sing my kids to sleep most nights. One lullabye they have always had (as did I), is Hushabye. They also request Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah and Cat Stevens' Sing Out.
The musicians I grew up listening to have remained iconic figures in my life. I met Kitty Wells, and am known to belt out It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels for no reason at all. I cried when both June and Johnny died. I will watch George Jones recieve honors later this week, and can do a dead on Tammy Wynette impersonation.
I can't help it. It is in my DNA!

(And for those of you who don't know, the song It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels, is a response to the Hank Williams tune Honky Tonk Angel and the tune is used in many country and bluegrass songs, most notably in my family the Grey Speckled Bird.)

A few Nice Quotes

2008-12-27T15:32:00.002-06:00

"He to whom worshipping is a window,
to open but also to shut, has not
yet visited the house of his soul whose
windows are open from dawn to dawn. "
-Kahlil Gilbran

Psalm 139:9 (The Message)

" 7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you."

1 John 3:2 (The Message)

" 2-3But friends, that's exactly who we are: children of God. And that's only the beginning. Who knows how we'll end up! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we'll see him—and in seeing him, become like him. All of us who look forward to his Coming stay ready, with the glistening purity of Jesus' life as a model for our own."

Kathy Escobar - the carnival in my head - “what could be”
"here’s my hope:
that we’d be people & communities radically in touch with Christ’s love for us & continue to risk our comfort, ego, time, money, and heart to offer mercy & compassion to others. that we’d be somehow known as ‘those weird people who love other people unconditionally, tangibly, and in all kinds of crazy, unexplainable ways.”

" The word is fast asleep under the blanket of the adjective. Shall I wake it up?"

-Labshankar Thacker, India

AppleTree by Erykah Badu

2008-12-27T15:12:00.000-06:00

I am enjoying the after Christmas family time. I have been pondering and wondering and house cleaning and marriage building and played Memory and Chutes and Ladders. Cheyne is preaching on Sunday and I am excited for him. Christ has really impacted his life, and I know he wants to share that.
I am working n a few inner things right now. One is gossip, which can seem so benign, and we tell ourselves it is no big deal, but I feel guilty every time. One of the ways I fall prey, is someone will tell me something that is pertinent for them, and I will add a personal anecdote about a way that I am struggling with the person. I am really trying to work on this, and I want to be a positive and trustworthy friend. So prayers and thoughts would be nice about this.
Also, I am seeking to move forward in a little more faith and a lot less fear. In all ways, but especially in forgiveness and also in speaking my own truth. I sometimes smile through a situation only to go home and dwell in resentment later. I need to believe that God loves me and has my back and wants me to be honest. So that is where I am at there.
I LOVE this song, and I feel kind of empowered by it right now, that I can love myself, and be my own best friend, and find my joy in the simplicity of the LOVE that has been given to me, and other things will work themselves out as the need may be. Just keeping my eyes on Him, you know?

O Come Emmanuel performed by Belle and Sebastian

2008-12-24T19:15:00.001-06:00

My favorite carol by one of my favorite bands.....enjoy!
Please note that autoplay is off, due to the fact that the slideshow has it's own fine Christmas music. But if you go to older posts, you can click play and enjoy!
Or you can mute the slideshow! :)

Happy Christmas-Houstons 2008

2008-12-23T21:33:00.000-06:00

A Blurb About Days Gone By

2008-12-23T13:35:00.002-06:00

This is a blurb from my friend Mat's blog for BlogCritics. He is an excellent writer with excellent taste...and he was my best friend when I was in high school. I don't know if I have had a friend since who I have been so in tune with. It was the times...and the music. Anyway, here is the quote, and I should mention he was the first Christian friend I had made who was actually LIKE ME, liked the same music, art, etc, and for me that made a HUGE difference. I was kinda an alien.
Anyway:

"Being a long-haired, poorly postured, severely acned, semi-heavy metal teenager was a hard thing to be in rural Oklahoma in the early '90s. I made it through mostly due to a girl named Candy (her real name was/is Candice, but her parents seemed to think it was cute to call her "Candy." In the same way they though it was hilarious to name her twin sister Amanda and call her "Mandy.) We met at a camp one summer and immediately hit it off.

We shared similar taste in books, movies, and music. Mostly we shared a passion for everything. We felt things as only teenagers can feel things - deeply, passionately, and as if whatever was happening at that exact moment to us were the only things that mattered. It was a passion that I have long since forgotten.

Like so many other things from youth, Candy and I drifted apart. Recently she found me on Facebook and we have once again rekindled our friendship. We still share a fondness for the same music (though that music is drastically different from what we once both loved) and it has been wonderful to get to know her again and see who she has became.

Just yesterday I signed my mother up for a Facebook account and she has become giddy looking for long, lost friends. It is quite a thing to find old friends and new at the touch of the button. I am thrilled to no longer be that awkward teenager, but it is nice to rekindle those old passions, and remember and old friend.

Merry Christmas everyone, and to you too, Candy."

You too, Mat.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel by Rosie Thomas

2008-12-23T12:09:00.000-06:00

The Enya version got a glitch...so here is my beloved Rosie Thomas doing this lovely song!

O Come, O Come Emmanuel by Enya

2008-12-23T10:04:00.001-06:00

This is my favorite hymn. I think it speaks to the actual need of our hearts. We live in a time dominated by greed and desire. So many people have lost hope that life can be redeemed by sheer love, purity, and goodness. And then this baby comes. Who grows into this boy. Who grows into this radical Rabbi. Who turns out to be Who He Said He Was. The Saviour. He did not overthrow Rome or empire-thinking with violence, but with LOVE.
But this is no precious little baby story, not entirely.

Revelation 12

The Woman, Her Son, and the Dragon

"1-2A great Sign appeared in Heaven: a Woman dressed all in sunlight, standing on the moon, and crowned with Twelve Stars. She was giving birth to a Child and cried out in the pain of childbirth.

3-4And then another Sign alongside the first: a huge and fiery Dragon! It had seven heads and ten horns, a crown on each of the seven heads. With one flick of its tail it knocked a third of the Stars from the sky and dumped them on earth. The Dragon crouched before the Woman in childbirth, poised to eat up the Child when it came.

5-6The Woman gave birth to a Son who will shepherd all nations with an iron rod. Her Son was seized and placed safely before God on his Throne. The Woman herself escaped to the desert to a place of safety prepared by God, all comforts provided her for 1,260 days.

7-12War broke out in Heaven. Michael and his Angels fought the Dragon. The Dragon and his Angels fought back, but were no match for Michael. They were cleared out of Heaven, not a sign of them left. The great Dragon—ancient Serpent, the one called Devil and Satan, the one who led the whole earth astray—thrown out, and all his Angels thrown out with him, thrown down to earth. Then I heard a strong voice out of Heaven saying,

Salvation and power are established!
Kingdom of our God, authority of his Messiah!
The Accuser of our brothers and sisters thrown out,
who accused them day and night before God.
They defeated him through the blood of the Lamb
and the bold word of their witness.
They weren't in love with themselves;
they were willing to die for Christ.
So rejoice, O Heavens, and all who live there,
but doom to earth and sea,
For the Devil's come down on you with both feet;
he's had a great fall;
He's wild and raging with anger;
he hasn't much time and he knows it.

13-17When the Dragon saw he'd been thrown to earth, he went after the Woman who had given birth to the Man-Child. The Woman was given wings of a great eagle to fly to a place in the desert to be kept in safety and comfort for a time and times and half a time, safe and sound from the Serpent. The Serpent vomited a river of water to swamp and drown her, but earth came to her help, swallowing the water the Dragon spewed from its mouth. Helpless with rage, the Dragon raged at the Woman, then went off to make war with the rest of her children, the children who keep God's commands and hold firm to the witness of Jesus."

This is no tiny little helpless baby. He is the King of Kings! But he chooses to come in complete vulnerability.

He taught power with, not power over.

The originator of fierce love. Noble and unchanging.

Oh come, Emmanuel. I need you. We need you. This world needs you.

Special credit for this blog goes to Preacher Bobb, aka Robb Ryerse of Vintage Fellowship for preaching on this....Getting me thinking!

Releasing

2008-12-22T13:56:00.000-06:00

Things are lifting. The film seems to be washing away. I need to water my roots. Be less able to be blown about. Part of why I am in recovery is that feelings are hard. Messy. Conflict is difficult. And shame is the gooey center that holds all my crazy "stuff" together.
Being involved with the Kingdom of God has effected me deeply. No pretty metaphor here, Jesus is like dish soap, dissolving the grease of that shame with His love.
Sorry for the stay at home mom metaphor , but it is true. I am pierced in the best possible way. I have experienced so much healing through my walk down this beautiful path, with this amazing One.
Hmmmm.
In other news, the hot water pipes are frozen in part of the house. The shower, sink, and washing machine work, though, and the rest are slowly melting. Mountain life. I am suffering as a bath a holic, so I am looking forward to a good long steep in some homemade bath salts!
My oldest had a desire to make everyone eggs in a hole sandwiches. It has been sweet, messy, and comical. He is really coming in to his own on the cooking front. He likes to help out, and is enjoying the time over Christmas break to participate in this way. He is doing a great job, and mine are next!
I feel so blessed right now, I am "coming to my own", and sometimes that is difficult.
I am always honest, and always grateful.
So grateful.

Luke 6:17-21 (The Message)

You're Blessed

17-21Coming down off the mountain with them, he stood on a plain surrounded by disciples, and was soon joined by a huge congregation from all over Judea and Jerusalem, even from the seaside towns of Tyre and Sidon. They had come both to hear him and to be cured of their ailments. Those disturbed by evil spirits were healed. Everyone was trying to touch him—so much energy surging from him, so many people healed! Then he spoke:

You're blessed when you've lost it all.
God's kingdom is there for the finding.
You're blessed when you're ravenously hungry.
Then you're ready for the Messianic meal.

You're blessed when the tears flow freely.
Joy comes with the morning.

Stretching

2008-12-20T14:22:00.000-06:00

I am feeling dark, but not pitch black. I am able, as always to rise above just enough to keep it all at bay. I have gorgeous moments of lightness, but always this fog.
I am going to the doctor next week.
I am feeling ready to be embraced by the light. I am faithful in my belief that Jesus is with me through this strange, strange thing. I have always had a melancholy side, but this, this is something I cannot deal with. It just keeps coming back. I never meant for this to be a depression blog, but oh well. I am my music and words. I am so grateful to have music through this. So grateful. If the tunes sound dark, don't despair, for me music is empathy. A way of threading it all together into a cohesive thing. I am not dying, but I really want to live.
This is a surprising thing, this depression. I feel like I am along for the ride. Holding on, and trying to figure out which way to go next.

Treading Water

2008-12-19T19:25:00.000-06:00

I have felt myself treading water for a while in this depression thing. It seems I keep being sent helps from Providence, just when my muscles are about to give out, a log will float by for me to grab onto, and deliciously float, sometimes for quite a while.
Still, I am in the water. Still floating in a direction I cannot control. Still relying on surrender and trust.
A wise woman once wrote that you keep getting the lesson until you learn it. I find some truth in this, as I am freakishly controlling of my own psyche and soul. I want to "let go and let God", but my sad human self can't uncurl the fist. Can't release.
You can't close your fist when you are treading water.
And I have been swimming like a marathon competitor for years and years.
I kinda needed to learn how to float.
I needed to learn to trust that my Creator was going to send another log of driftwood down my way.
I am supposed to believe I WILL make it.
That is a new thought for a weak spirit.

So I guess even if I don't enjoy the ride, I can be relieved that I have some guidance!
and I can look up. And see the clouds and stars. And experience wonder. And rest.

So to lighten things....

2008-12-18T15:21:00.000-06:00

I have been a bit melancholy lately, in the blogosphere, and in the here and now. So here is a list of fun things I have done recently:
1. Told ghost stories and talked serial killers with some of my girlfriends from church.
2.Patted a monster baby belly.
3. Seen little Isaiah in a suit jacket! With elbow pads.
4. Been told I was beautiful by Arlo.
5. Read poetry with Aley.
6. Watched Sailor Moon with my youngest two.
7. Ordered books from Amazon. For ME!
8. Seen beauty in the sky, and the biggest ole full moon.
9. Found new music to enchant myself.
10. Hung out with Jazz and Garrett, always a hoot.

So, though the waters are dark and choppy, the ship is still afloat!

Strength

2008-12-18T11:17:00.000-06:00

I AM strong, perhaps most at the broken places. I am the daughter of no one. No father calling, no birthday wishes. I am living the "cold and broken hallelujah", but it is still a hallelujah, instead of the dark room that my life was for so long. I like the light piercing the tiny holes I have stabbed through the heavy curtain that covers me. The knife that made them is a cross. Pure and simple. All I had to know was I was loved. That was all it took, to pull me through the chaos and the ugliness, and the confusion, and the addiction. Also, to know I could be ME. With my textures, my soundtrack, my aching, my scandalous past. And still He sits me right beside Him and loves me so good and deep. When I show up. I have a Father. And Mother. And Everything. A Love like no other.
This is why I sing. This is why I come early, because sometimes it is the only way I can pray.
And I am so grateful.

By the way, I love the new song, it reminds me of "my story" at women's group.

The New Song

2008-12-17T10:34:00.000-06:00

My fave Sinead doing the song Mary Magdalene sings in Jesus Christ Superstar, one of my favorite musicals. This song is me, in my brokenness. I love it so much!!!

Undo

2008-12-17T10:25:00.000-06:00

Isn't it funny how what once seemed very difficult turned out to be a slipknot, pull on one thread and the whole thing comes undone without pain and too much struggle. Ahhh! When we act like the people of God, when we listen and give permission to others to listen and to be heard. When we speak our truth, and then accept our own humanity-God is there. It feels like a miracle, but really it was Him leading you down another one of those lesson roads. Difficult, but at the end lined with singers singing songs of joy. And love. So much love!
For me, conflict has always been difficult. I am a runner. I am a pain avoider, even if I am not sure there will be any pain! God is so good. The lesson has grown me up ten years in a single step. All this inner work is clawing it's way to the outside saying, "NOBODY lives by theory alone!" And I get to let someone in, and vice versa. BONUS!
God's amazing power that is soft and meek amazes me.
I feel blessed.

The new song...again

2008-12-16T22:00:00.000-06:00

I love this song. For me, it is Mr. Havens' thoughts about God and what He would say to us. At least that is how I hear it. I love this song.
If you don't know who Richie Havens is, do some research! ;)

So Far

2008-12-16T10:18:00.000-06:00

So far the morning is alright. I fell carrying Arlo in from the van, bloodying my knee and bonking his head, but neither of us is permanently damaged. I feel like a pot of stew brewing some ideas and plans and possibilities for my future. I am becoming very interested in the frugal movement. (are we a movement? well we are if I jump in!) I already do many of the things, without a plan though. My life right now is screaming for structure, schedules, and plans. I am baby stepping my way into this, by developing a budget and researching some nifty ideas, like freezing extra meals. One mom wrote that freezing double meals, or a week's worth at a time cut her grocery bill in half! So I am pretty stoked. It is kind of like a game for me, but I think our world needs bargain hunting thrifty folks!
So enjoy today's song, and pray that I can move forward in my own life, developing structure where needed.

Mirror Image

2008-12-15T11:19:00.000-06:00

The choices we make cam be hard. Do we really believe we know ourselves? If we were unloved when we were small, can we ever learn to love ourselves?
I am trying to.
I feel like there are lies embedded in my skin like shards of glass, prickling, needing to be pulled out. It is a long process, but it's like I am looking in a mirror, and that mirror is held up by my Creator, and even though it is so painful, piece by piece, if I look in the mirror, I see the beauty He sees in me.
This may take a long time. It is not a self help method. It is not a trick. It is not a tarot card reading.
It is a true opening and unfolding. Letting everything reorder itself to it's natural place. I feel at times like an alchemist, at times like a leper.
At times like a wounded prey, surrounded by hungry predators, who want a pound of flesh.
Mostly I feel, finally, like a daughter, a beloved. Even in the dark waters of depression and uncharted territory of recovery, there is this beauty and this mirror, and they are with me.
So I am never alone, even when I feel that way. And when someone shatters right in front of me, maybe I can hold that mirror up. Because we both have glass in our arms and legs. And we both are loved by a God bigger than all that pain.
Hmmmm.
It has not been easy for me to give mt heart away to God. I am so exhaustingly human. So full of strife and longing.
I want to be ever more open, ever more grateful. Sometimes I want to be perfect.
But He just wants ME. Now. Like this. He wants to be my mirror.

feeling it all

2008-12-14T13:17:00.000-06:00

This can be hard. I have prided myself on my stoicism, wry humor about it, long suffering goodness.
I still have to feel it.
Ouch.
What a bummer.

Running free

2008-12-13T22:55:00.000-06:00

This wind makes me feel wide eyed and wild. I want to do dangerous things, but instead I just think them. I like my safe old house, and my cozy woodstove. Outside there is roaring, howling, hard wind, and biting chills. I wish I could be inside the wind, looking out from the center. Does wind have a center? Hmmmm.
So often in the past I have mistaken this wild feeling for a sense of freedom, as if I could be truly free if I were completely undone. Completely lost to the sensation.
And then I was. And it was a prison with bars much stronger than any other I have experienced. Punched about by every moment, no footing or ground to stand on, just blowing free.
Exhausted and truly in need from the deep rest that comes from knowing there ARE limitations, and thankful for gravity, I have a better hold on freedom. It is not running wild, guidied solely by passion. It does include passion, however.
Safety is not freedom either. However to be truly free, you do have to feel some safety.
Hmmmmmm.

Time gone by....

2008-12-12T15:02:00.000-06:00

It slips by quickly. and then you have an assortment of memories, wrapped together in a ludicrous, overgrown, mixed and matched, odd smelling bouquet. And it stays alive. Forever. These flowers, some wilt, and have to be moved to the background, some are only buds, some are so fragrant and vivid, you pull them out one at a time over and over, and inhale deeply their heady notes.
Like the births of your children.
Like nursing them.
Like falling in love.
Like making snow ice cream and sitting by the woodstove eating it fast, so it doesen't melt.
Like being little and dancing for hours every night, in front of the sliding glass doors. (so you could watch yourself.)

Some of these blossoms have thorns, and no matter how carefully you pick them up, there will always be a prick of pain, maybe some blood, sometimes a tear.
Like when your Grandma died.
And when your mom had to give your dog away.
When those kids made fun of you.
When it hurt so bad, you cut.
When you hit bottom.

But it is your job to tend these flowers. For your whole life long. Untended, they have a way of spreading all over the place, sneaking into relationships and moments they don't belong. Giving themeslves more relevance than they should.
So be, wise, gardeners. Tend carefully, and with love.

The new song

2008-12-11T21:05:00.000-06:00

Ninth grade. Dean Reeves, who to me was the coolest guy on earth, with his penchant for death metal and three dimensional art, loaned me his Highway 61 Revisited cassette tape. My mom had a Bob Dylan songbook, for reasons that remain unclear. She was never what you would call a fan. I never heard a Bob Dylan song. But in a house where reading material was not even a minor priority, I had read and re-read the songbook's lyrics over and over again. I had read his diatribe about hearing Joan Baez sing, I had seen pictures of this strange looking beatnik in black and white, on that seventies burnt beige background. So this was big. What if I didn't like him? I mean, I felt like I knew him! And I knew I couldn't lie to Dean, and he was the smartest guy about music ever. So with great ceremony, I put the tape into the boom box, in the bathroom, and climbed into the tub, still my place for weighty decisions. The first chords of Like a Rolling Stone came on, and I swear to you, it was like a revelation. I had already heard The Velvet Underground, I had listened to alot of "classics". I just couldn't believe I had ever not had this jangly wild poetry music in my veins. With relief and excitement, I settled into my bath, I listened to that tape for about a year. Eventually the stereo ate it.
Sorry Dean.
And oh yeah, thanks.

Songs

2008-12-11T11:57:00.001-06:00

OK, so there should never be a cloud song problem again.
I know I am oddly obsessive about music, but I would not be me without it!

The ghost of christmas past...

2008-12-11T10:01:00.000-06:00

So I never had a super fun Christmas. Maybe this was because I was in a family that was seriously dysfunctional. My parents never really developed a relationship with me, a problem that persists to this day. I mean, we see each other, mostly time spent watching TV. But I feel I am kinda groovy, worth knowing. My parents were broken when I got them, but they did their best.
So Christmas has this special glamour for me on the one hand. I want to produce the magic and amazing Christmas I never experienced, but at the same time I feel disconnected from it. Like I am not allowed in. Like these are all stories from books, these warm family remembrances. And I am not a character in that book.
On the other hand, I want to live simply, and plan a Christ centered, wonder centered Christmas, which rubs very uncomfortably against my winter wonderland of magic and surprise, heaps of gifts. (However, it is less about the perfect gifts, and more about being like a Folgers commercial). So, somehow I remain frozen until the last minute, and read Christmas legends and the nativity,and have beautiful conversations with my kids, and somehow they are always sated with the few well thought out gifts they receive, but I feel like I just missed it. And relieved that I won't have to go through it again for a year. And it is not the hustle and bustle I am talking about here, but the emotional sorting and piling, and shielding of extended family, dealing with the past, and trying to be in this moment now.
So this year I am trying to let the ghost of Christmas past in a little less. Or maybe instead of ignoring or yelling at or running from her, maybe I will just sit down with her and see what she needs to get off her chest.
Maybe.

About the song.

2008-12-10T22:16:00.000-06:00

If you click on the link beneath the cloud song, it will take you to a site where you will hear the lovely sounds of Miz Joni Mitchell. I ammtechnically slow, so this will have to do for now. It is very cloud-like, and if you like it, try her song Clouds.

Snowy

2008-12-10T13:07:00.000-06:00

I am feeling snowy. Slushy. Sludgey. I am enjoying having my kids home on the one hand, on the other, I REALLY have to catch my laundry up. It can be so hard to trust that God is with us. Even harder when money is tight and the shiny new job may not be a success. The human response is to freak out and start laying blame left and right and run down that familiar road of panic and ugliness. Thank God for Jesus. For an example and instruction on how to be a lot better than human. Not perfect, but a bit more sated. A bit more able to wonder. I mean, God loves me. And I have enough, especially clothes, yo, and there ais the smell of blueberry muffins, and the sounds of the White Stripes. And Reading Rainbow on the tube. And snow ice cream first thing this morning. And God loves me, and KNOWS me. Like the cobwebs and the belfry, you know? I needed to get this out, because I was becomin a frozen sludgesicle of human angst. Which ain't the way, right?
I am practicing faithfulness, but for those of you misled by the church of your youth, it is not pretty. It requires a bit of twisting and cleansing and percolating and puzzling and stewing. And then finally realizing that all along you could have just sat there and realized how loved you are, and how no amount of chaos or calm is worth more than that realization. This yummy part is momentary, and then back to the twisting and cleansing and percolating....
Hmmmm.
I hear the dryer buzzing.....

Just For Today(my recovery song) by India.Arie

2008-12-09T12:22:00.000-06:00

These are the lyrics to my theme song!

I am gonna shine (shine, shine) x 4

Just for today
I will not worry what tomorrow will bring, no
I’m gonna try something new and walk through this day
Like I’ve got nothing to prove, yeah
Although I have the best intentions
I can't predict anyones reactions
So I’ll just do my best
I'll put one foot in front of the other
Keep on moving forward
And let God do the rest

I don’t know what’s gonna happen
That’s alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery
I don’t know what’s gonna happen
That’s alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery

Just for today
I’m telling the truth like it's going out of style
I'm gonna swallow my pride and be who I am
And I don’t care who don’t like it, yeah
I feel the fear but I do it anyway
I won't let it stand in the way
I know what I must do
There’s no guarantee that it’ll be easy
But I know that it’ll be fulfilling
And it's time for me to show improve

It’s okay not to know
Exploration is how we grow
It’s ok to not have the answer
Cuz sometimes
It’s the question that matters

I don’t know what’s gonna happen
That’s alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery
I don’t know what’s gonna happen
That’s alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery

Oh Yeah!

2008-12-09T11:43:00.000-06:00

I get my new washer and dryer today! I am so stoked. I need to laundry like nobody's business!
I love doing laundry. It is my favorite housekeeping task. I love to sort the old clothes and give them away and pick yummy smelling detergents. It has a nice instant gratification component. I like to make outfits up for the kids, get them ready for the week. I just close the laundry room door and it is down to business. So, I feel like I am getting a new car, OK. This is going to rock like like I don't know what!
I also am reading Jesus For President again, which is a very formative book for me.
Here is a quote from Dorothy Day, one of my heroes, "Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer."
I highly recommend this book, as well as The Irresistible Revolution, also by Shane Claiborne. That is the book that brought me back to church....and Vintage is the church that is my home.

So there is alot of oh yeah going on right now, I believe ecerything is changing and the Kingdom of God is growing.
And my clothes are going to be clean!

Gratitude

2008-12-08T17:00:00.000-06:00

I am grateful to be human. I move by no specific law of the universe, but move along within my own, and others' free will. There is injustice in this, but more freedom than is afforded to any other part of creation. Today this is enough to be grateful for. I can laugh with my kids when the little dog of ours runs off with a Bionicle head, and after frantic searching we find it deposited on her pillow. I can celebrate the milestones of human existence, acknowledging days of continuation and light. Also acknowledging the goodbyes we have to make, remembering these relationships that form our lives.
I feel there must be a purpose, and for me Christianity explains alot of that. I appreciate that nature was created for me, that the earth is my responsibility, and through our free will, humans have really botched alot up. I appreciate every person I meet, because I know they all have a story, and a purpose, and a reason, and maybe I can show them, not with sermonizing or propaganda, but with love, that they do matter, that there is LOVE, bigger than all the pain and suffering in the world. I have felt and seen and experienced this love. I am still a baby at this. I am not a "traditional" Christian, if such a thing or person truly exists. You might be surprised about my views on hell, and the Kingdom of God, and other "hot topics". But I am a Christian. I believe there is a force and pull behind all of this, and God is bathing us in love every second.
I am glad to NOT believe I am an animal, living an animal's existence. I am glad to have a purpose, and a Maker, and a point to why I do what I do.
I am grateful.

Remembering....

2008-12-07T21:36:00.000-06:00

Do you ever wonder if you actually really know who you are? I know I didn't know who I was. I feel so much, when I see someone who knew me when, because in so many ways, that is NOT who I am-yet, paradoxically enough, in many others, it is closer than I can see in this future land of grown up responsibilities and (sometimes, somewhat) linear thinking. hmmm.
I was an angry teenager. As I get older, and have kids of my own, and deal with my childhood "stuff", I see that it was probably for good reason, although I was the one scarred the most by it. And now I am not angry, but still feel pain and frustration about the past. Ugh. I was a reaction, an effect, not a cause. I try really hard to be a cause now, a beginning, a start of something fresher, more authentic, closer to the source.
I have always been something of an outsider. I think sometimes by circumstance, but sometimes by choice. I am good at the theatrical, and better at masks and mirages. I am letting my guard down more often these days. I ain't saying it's easy...sometimes it SUCKS! But better to let people know you, you know? I don't want to go through life untouched, protected. I want to be real.
I feel happy and strange and exposed these days. What was it you said, Hannah? Panic and relief? Yeah, pretty much like that all the time.
And if you think you know me, you probably don't.
And you totally do.

Folks I adore....

2008-12-06T14:26:00.000-06:00

My children, especially the times it rains and we have improptu mud fights and slides. My church, and singing worship with my pals. My women's group, Vanessa especially, for knowing me and getting me, and influencing me in only positive ways. Jasmine, for just rocking, making me laugh, loving me, and cutting my hair til it looks so rad, in her KITCHEN! Jazz is a gift God gave straight to me! Her husband Garrett is awesome as well, even if I fall for his tricks every time! I love Hannah who is always real and kind and has great shoes. Karen, a massage therapist who says deeply profound things, and is so humble and kind, everyone is better for having spent time with her. And Kathy, who I feel God sent as a beacon for me to observe, confide in, laugh with, and love! her whole family is kind of a learning lab for me!
I love my husband deeply. We definitely struggle through some tough stuff, but he is my best friend, and he seems to have been made for me. He has the kindest eyes I have ever seen. He loves hanging out with his kids, and is always deepening his walk with Christ. He is mine, and I love him.
My mother in law is amazing. She actually lives her beliefs, and is a golden light to so many. She is struggling so bravely through a long, arduous battle against cancer, and I am in awe of her. alot of what I know about unconditional love, generosity, and forgiveness, I learned at her kitchen table.
I also am blessed with a ton of new friends, which makes me feel so loved and excited to get to know them. There is Elly, an amazing artist, and wife to be of Trevor, someone I enjoy singing with very much. Elly has a quiet spirit, and seems to radiate peace and presence in God in a way that soothes the air around her. and Wendy, who is funny and enjoys talking pregnancy food, and just seems to have a sparkling energy wherever she goes! and in other pregnant lady news, there is Kanya who is sooo positive and sweet, and I personally know she is a blessing to the children she helps at her job as a dental assistant, because I have experienced it firsthand! (Arlo is in loooove with her now!)
This post would be utterly incomplete without mentioning Mark. (aka Mark L Berry) We met when I briefly returned to college in 2001. He has been a member of the family ever since. We have kind of grown up together, in many ways emotional and spiritual. He came out to his parents from my phone after we watched Bowling for Columbine. It was with him that I first started going back to church at Saint Martin's. He just knows me, and I, him. We have seen Joan Baez together, talked until good grief thirty in the morning, watched countless movies together, survived fights and squabbles. His spiritual growth would be inspiring to anyone. I rmember after I had arlo, he would bring me Thai or Greek food several times a week. I miss him tons, but we are super connected, and he is always close to my whole family in spirit!
as you can see, God has blessed me to pieces with amazing folk to journey with. My church, my family, my friends! I just have to open my eyes and see it!
Here is a pic of the whole fam with Mark last year when he returned from India, with skirts, bangls, bindis, and little toy rickshaws as gifts! As well as excellent stories likr the one about the monkey and the raining popcorn!

The Song

2008-12-05T20:07:00.000-06:00

Just a quick reminder....if you need beauty and goodness in your life, scroll down and click play on the song. Ahhhhh, I just did and I feel GOOD. See, wasn't that easy?

Striving

2008-12-05T11:31:00.000-06:00

I want to be close to God. I want to be a good wife and mom. I want to be present, and not disappear. I want to make the right choices for my kids' education and futures. I want to live inside the songs I sing, or at least the feeling I get when I sing them.....
I wish sometimes my heart was not so full of striving. I think there has to be a happy medium where you love and accept yoourself. That is one of the hardest parts for me in my recovery. Surrendering my hopes and dreams to a Higher Power. (I think I relied on myself in a survivalist way for way too long) Triple hmmmmm.
I think it is a not so fun place, when all escape hatches have been cleared, all the costumes, hair, and makeup are gone, and it is just you and a mirror and surrender. That is where I am now, and have been for awhile. I know it is temporary, but I want to move on quick quick quick, because this is probably what I am the worst at-sitting still with it, and trying to figure out how to trust God, and love myself as much as I love my neighbor.
Ponderous.
My friend Elly said that she learned these three principles about God that she thinks of and really leans on, and they are, "God is good, God is big, and God loves you."I have been holding on to that ever since.
And my friend Jasmine, quoted CS Lewis from my beloved Narnia, the part where Lucy is asking about Aslan, and whether he is "nice", and the reply is, "No, he is not nice. But He is Good."
I need to have more time just being with God.
Yeah.

Birth Story

2008-12-04T09:15:00.000-06:00

Ten years ago, OK, ten and a day, I was sitting at my mom's house, waiting for Cheyne to get off of work. I didn't want to be home alone, as I was overdue, and had lost part of my mucous plug, a sign that I could go into labor at any time. I kept thinking I was having gas pains, and finally, when the rest of the mucous plug came out, I realized-"this is it!" My mom was at a neighborhood meeting, but soon she and the family were crowded around me, calling Cheyne, and getting him there. My spirits were up, I had prepared intensely for this.
From the moment I read about homebirths and natural birthing in Dr. Sears' Birth Book, I knew it was what I wanted. Being typically Candice, I read voraciously. One huge help to me was Mothering magazine, of which I read tons of back issues. It helped me form a positive assumption in my mind, that of course I could do this, so many women had. I took natural childbirth classes at the birth center, and decided to have my baby there. My prenatals were long, and personal, and always with my midwife, Bonny. I could hear the baby's heartbeat as much as I needed, she taught me how to palpate and feel where the baby was. At 39 weeks, when Sol was breech, noone panicked or ordered an emergency c-section, I just did an old midwife trick of sticking my bottom in the air. I felt him turn. At the next prenatal we were good to go!
I couldn't believe the miracle of my body. I couldn't believe that I would be able to participate in creation, actual creation, while going about my every day life. Nursing seemed so amzing to me, the more I learned about it, the more amazed I was anyone would NOT do it. I learned all these mystical things about being a mother. It was a time of lightness and strength.
So off we went to the birth center, it was a full moon, and it felt like the moon was guiding us along. At the birth center the contractions became more intense, and I went back and forth from the bed to the birthing tub, like a cat, trying to find a way to be "comfortable." Dig that, trying to get comfy while bringing new life onto the planet! I liked the tub the best, and after a quick check-up, when Bonny announced I should move to the bed, if that was where I wanted to have my baby, I looked around and said, "Looks like we are having a water birth."
Yes, it was painful. Pushing was intense, and I felt, through the entire experience, like I was far away, far, far from where everyone was watching and waiting with baited breath. And then, finally, there came a quaking all over and a fire, and I pushed, and right before I crowned my sweet boy, I tell you with certainty, that I saw God. Or His shadow passed over me. He touched my cheek. It was this moment of cosmic rightness so sheer and tenuous, that it immediately tore itself into shreds, and I could not remember anything but it's ocurrence, but it sated me in ways I can never explain.
And then into the water came my lovely boy. Cheyne froze, and Bonny swooped him up, and I said, "give me my baby", and she did. After we had moved to the bed, and he had been completely measured weighed and given his Apgar, all right beside me, we nursed, and gazed, and gazed, and nursed. I sang The Rainbow Connection to him, and then, both being healthy, we went home.
Sol saved my life, in alot of ways. I was a selfish person before I had children. I didn't understand how love could be SO MUCH, or unconditional. I battled for him, and that was practice for having him, but that is another story for another time.
He is a sweet, deep boy. He is a dancer, and a serious Christian. He loves music and books and his brother and sisters. I am just so grateful God gave him to me.
Before we were Christians, we had mentioned Jesus a few times, as well as other spiritual traditions. The day I went into labor with my third child, Aley, Sol was lying on the bed looking out the window. I snuggled up to him and said, "Are you Ok?" He said, "yes, I am just looking at the trees, man." I laughed, and then asked if he wanted me to tell him a story or anything. He said, "I want you tell me about Jesus."
Wow.
That was the beginning of a long journey.....

Things I have been thinking of today.....

2008-12-03T15:24:00.000-06:00

I have been pondering friendship; why is it so hard, why are some people so good at it, how do you let people see the real you, especially if they have cards they ain't showin'. It is a worthwhile pursuit, but it gets so tangled. So twisted. I have only recently, within the last nine years or so, learned, or begun the process of learning, how to truly be an intimate friend with someone. With a few exceptions, and you know who you are, I was a crazy friend to many people. Entrenched in drama at home, school, in relationships.....I had no road map, and was in a boat without a rudder. But it is nice, once you finally hit land. Maybe it's a long term experience, maybe you sail on to other shores, but it is a worthy journey. Hmmm. These are my musings at the moment. I am grateful for my friends, and I need them. I like having people who know me, even the gooey shameful stuff. Double hmmmm. Moving on.
Also, I think the core substance of who I am hasn't changed, it just got covered up by alot of junk. Like when you clean out from underneath the couch and you find that favorite ring...that is what I have been going through for the last few months. As well as some serious trips down regrets and consequences lane. All in all, it has been WORTH it. I am committed to change and growth, and even more so to befriending my own self; something once so foreign to me it was like Gaelic! I am nervous and excited about the journey ahead.
Don't worry about me, I have a captain's coat with shiny brass buttons, and a map I found etched on my heart.
Sailing away.......

Jewelry that sings....

2008-12-03T07:29:00.000-06:00

So this is a quickie, I may do a longer post later....this post is about the genious of Nice Lena and the brilliant jewelry she makes. I wear almost nothing else, and if you are a diamonds and pearls girl, it may not be for you, but if you are a whimsy girl, or a rocker girl, or just like incredibly unique pieces, and wearing art, Miz Lena has what you need! Here are pics of three of her necklaces I currently wear and swap around. I have plans to own much, much more. Besides being a genious, Lena is a really nice person and truly indie spirit. You can buy some of her stuff at Buy Olympia (http://www.buyolympia.com), or see tons of amazing pieces, including barretes and earrings at her site, NiceLena. (http://www.nicelena.com/home.html) I hope we all wear things that inspire us. At least most of the time. (I am writing this in yoga pants and a ratty t-shirt. ) OH! I should note that my cardinal necklace is diff than the one posted, I am actually wearing it in my profile pic...anywho, live an artful, cultivated life, or struggle like hell to get there, like I am!

Another moment to float.....

2008-12-02T14:47:00.000-06:00

Arlo and I were looking at a picture of a nursing cat, and we were reminiscing somewhat about his vague recollection of nursing and he looked up at me and said, "you know what, my nursers make bacon, and yogurt, and cereal, and oatmeal, and fresh milk, and chocolate milk." My sweet boy believes nursing is serving up a menu of delights, and I just chose to stick with milk. He is so funny!

Ahhh, Stars

2008-12-02T10:53:00.000-06:00

So, the song is my favorite Stars song, I used to play it every Saturday when I was a rotation deejay at KXUA, still my favorite college radio station on earth! It is actually a Magnetic Fields cover, which makes it's delicacy all the more scrumptious. I will change the Cloud Song, as the wind blows, but it will always be quiet, and, I am sure, occasionally melancholy, as I am more than occasionally so.
Some things I miss right now are the ocean, Mark Thomas, my childhood sidewalk circa 1985, my dad, Mr. Baudino, that cool silver fringed dress, my Christmas All-stars, and being a Young Astronaut.
I am grateful for my poetess daughters, my engineering sons, nursing all my kids, midwives, cinnamon rolls, second chances, a spanking new Jill Bliss journal, good friends like Jasmine and Vanessa and Kanya and......, old friends like Peter and Mat and ....., new beginnings, colouds that look like dragons, reading out loud to my kids and reliving the best moments of the best books, for Jesus, for sometimes understanding, for living with the questions, for having been through some big SOMETHINGS, and being OK, even stronger where the scar tissue lies.
Anyway, I am going to have a busy evening so I thought I would post now. This is my cloud, I sit here and it all settles down...and grows wider.

First Post

2008-12-01T22:24:00.000-06:00

So here I go at this blog thingy... I have four awesome kids and an awesome husband....and some serious baggage. I want to sit on my cloud and really let some of it go. But I like who you think I am sometimes more than who I actually am, so we will see.
I have been through seriously hard things. I have made mistakes so huge they blocked the light of day. And still, I feel loved, compelled to love others, and to keep moving forward. God is so good. I never understood how loved I was, even being raised with some serious church. Alot of this had to do with my parents, who were struggling in their own ways. But now that I do experience love, it is a new day. Sometimes overwhelming. Music can just pierce me again, for the first time in years. I love that feeling. I think I may have a shot at really knowing and liking myself. I feel good most days, and even when I don't, I still feel LOVED. And it matters more than the cynic in you thinks....